There are socks stuffed into the couch cushions. Barbies in the bathtub. Shoes littering the hallway leading up to the door. If it is special to you, then you best hide it, because chances are your brothers or sisters will see this as an opportunity to zero in on your weakness and use it against you. If you are smart, then you keep your toothbrush in mom and dad’s bathroom because no one is allowed in there without permission.
Lunches are either provided by your school, or you get tuna straight from the can. Occasionally a PB and J sandwich or make your own quesadilla.
I am a “ Pinterest Mom” fail. I have too many DIY fails to claim otherwise. I have been known to burn hamburger helper. I have kids and no abs. And I’d rather do anything but laundry and housekeeping, I can organize a closet and give you tips on how to do it too, but in reality the next day it’s a mess again. In fact, because of dishes left over in the sink for a few days, we are now combating an infestation of fruit flies (which I had to check Pinterest to find out the best ways to win this battle.)
The absolute last thing I’d ever want you to think about me is that I got it all together. We are not some well-oiled machine. In fact, we consistently have the “change oil” light on the car.
My daughter went to church yesterday wearing a winter hat because her hair wasn’t brushed and rain boots because we couldn’t find any other shoes that actually matched. This wouldn’t seem too out of place, except that we live in Florida. There is never a need for winter hats here. Ever.
We are a hot mess.
The whole lot of us.
I think every single one of us cried yesterday either before church, during church or after church.
When I tell you I have no idea how I make it through every day, I am not lying. There are times I sit in awe of the words that just came out of my mouth because I know it wasn’t me who was speaking but God speaking through me. I am utterly at a loss with the whole “mom” gig.
I cannot get a handle on laundry. Cannot. It’s ridiculous.
Meal planning is beyond my capacity to plan in advance.
But I am excellent at seeing what is right in front of me. Or actually let me rephrase that. I am not excellent. God loves to show me what’s in front of my face and needs my attention while the laundry can wait, and no one is going to die if they eat another PB and J for dinner.
I’ve spent the last 9 years wrapped up in appearing to have it all together. Even though I was still a hot mess, I surely wasn’t going to let you know about it. And because I spent the majority of my time hiding from you what I didn’t want you to know, and perfecting what you did see, I missed a lot of important stuff. Like my kids.
Tears well up in my eyes when I think of all the times I didn’t see my kids. Not see them, as in lay eyes on them. I saw them every day. But see their hearts and what was going on in their brains. I missed that. I was too wrapped up in myself and what you thought about me to notice how hearts were breaking all over my home.
In the last week, I’ve seen how God has changed my head and while my hearts’ desire has remained the same. I have always wanted to be famous. The root being that I wanted to be known and adored. There I said it. Few will admit this is the cry of their heart, but when it all came down to it that’s what I really wanted. I wanted you to want to know me, and to adore me, to think I got it figured out and ask me how to show you how to do that.
Last night my son lost his crap. Screaming that he didn’t love us, flailing is body around, and doing pushups until he wasn’t going to scream at me anymore, I prayed. Lord, show me what he needs. The answer resounded in my heart. To know him and still love him.
When all the piss was out of him, we sat on the floor of his bedroom. Tears streaming down his face.
He’d screamed at me that I didn’t love him and that nobody loves him.
“Son, I love you. When they called me to ask if I wanted y—“
“THEY DIDN’T WANT ME!” He screamed at me. “MY OTHER FAMILY DIDN’T WANT ME!”
“That’s a LIE,” I screamed back. “THAT IS A LIE.” I settled myself and as tears sprang to my eyes and started down my cheeks. “They did want you. They were too sick to take care of you.” And I choked on my tears. I pulled that 7 year old boy into my lap and cradled him like and infant. “They loved you. I loved you, I have always loved you and wanted you. You are so loved. It’s hard huh?”
He sobbed into my chest and nodded.
“I know baby, I wish it wasn’t so hard, but I am going to be here with you and we will get through this, no more of these lies. You are loved and you are so wanted.”
And we sat and cried into each other for a good long while.
My audience has been all wrong.
This week I realized, I am known and adored. And not just by God, but by my family. Everything has a time. The time for me to be known and adored by my children is now. They will grow up, leave the house (God willing), get married (again, God willing) and I will become the dreaded mother-in-law. My children will love me, but they might not adore me at that time, as they are learning to leave our home and create their own families. For me to spend any amount of time trying to reach people outside of my home seems utterly ridiculous to me when my end goal is to want to be known and adored. I am so adored at home there are times I can literally hardly stand all the adoring (and touching) that comes with raising 5 children.
And my goal has changed from wanting to be known and adored by others to wanting my children to know they are not just seen, but known and adored.
I am so thankful for the calling of Mothering that God gave me. My life would be meaningless if at the end of it, I have millions of people that have come to Jesus because they knew and adored me, yet there were 5 that didn’t. I might be mediocre at the whole “Pinterest Mom” thing. Meals are certainly not my forte’ and my house will never be photo-shoot material, but I will see my children. I will work to know their hearts intimately. That is a job I can delight in, and that pays more than enough.
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