A Different Kind of Christmas...

This Christmas is markedly different from any other I’ve had. I have truly accepted the gift of grace given to me. Not just by God but by countless others who have walked through the tough stuff with me these last few years. I’ve been given the gift of actually knowing the heart of my husband and desiring to know him more. I could not imagine a better gift than a restored family. I thought we were beyond repair, but here we are new, and beautiful. I never thought I would WANT to, (and I mean REALLY WANT) spend every waking minute with my man, enjoying the complex creation that he is, but I do. Christmas for me, has already come, and for me it’s a time to celebrate what God has done for me, and set out to do with that very first Christmas 2014 years ago.

The other difference in this Christmas is that the Grimm family is for the FIRST TIME EVER, on a budget.

Many things led up to this.

A sermon series on what rich people do.

Credit card bills.

An obsession with Lululemon.

5 growing, HUNGRY children.

A new house.

And last but not least a desire to be obedient.

We’ve tried to do budgets before. It goes something like this:

We agree to a budget.

I blow it.

Tom sighs, asks me to do better next month.

I blow it again.

We give up.

The difference is this time, I am on to the enemy and his lies. I am not fooled by them anymore.

The lie: I am worth X amount of dollars.

I’d read an article some years ago on what it would cost to hire someone to do my job of raising our children, and so I began to believe I deserved that number.

The truth: I am irreplaceable. No amount of money will buy the kind of love I give to my family.

The other lie: if I owned X, I would be happy.

The truth: As soon as I own X, I will want Y and Z as well. Joy cannot be bought.

Lululemon: It’s a brand of workout clothes for those who don’t know. For those that do, you know why I coveted them so badly. I could make all kind of excuses about how they are the best, and how I didn’t actually pay that much for them…but it still comes down to I believed that if I owned X, I would be happy. But I am here to tell you I own the whole DANG GONE ALPHEBET and it didn’t make me any happier. In fact, I now cringe that the thought of the person I was when I felt I NEEDED the WEE ARE FROM SPACE PLUM RUN INSPIRE CROPS and MATCHING BRA to complete my collection.

WEE ARE FROM SPACE September Run Inspire Crops $87


Matching Bra $56

Whoa, this girl was WAY off track.


All this to tell you that we are on a budget and for the first time ever, my heart is in it 100%. This budget isn’t about getting out of debt. It’s about getting right. This budget is about glorifying God with HIS money.

I bought Lululemon to make my ass look better with HIS money. That kind of makes me sick to my stomach now. I am certainly not saying that Lululemon is bad, I am wearing some right now. I am saying my heart on the issue of our finances was so ugly. That was bad. I had an attitude of entitlement when really God GAVE me everything single thing I have, and He owes me nothing.

Getting right means that we may do without. We may not join you for dinner out (not that people ever really ask us out to dinner our family is intimidating enough to just have over), we may not be sending you a Christmas gift in shape of a $40 fruit basket. But we are praying for you, and we do love you. And we have committed as a family to be wise with the resources God has given us, and we hope that blesses you more than a fruit basket to know that our hearts desire is to be obedient to the Lord.

We just wanted to let you know before you wrapped up our presents and wrote our name on them. We’d be delighted if you gave us the gift of your prayers this year for Christmas instead of something tangible. We’d be delighted if around your Christmas tree you whispered a little prayer of thanks to God for what He’s done for our family this year. We know you love us, dear friends and family. And while your gifts are appreciated, they depreciate and end up at Goodwill before the year is over…Prayers are eternal and it’s an investment that only grows.

Seven Seashells sent to the Shore

Two weeks ago my family was at the beach. Shocking since we living Florida, I know. It was one of those blustery days where most Floridians were bundled up by their fireplaces sipping on hot cocoa pretending it was cold outside, but the Grimms’ were out in their shorts and flip flops splashing in the Ocean.

I was tender. The night before had been particularly rough, and while Tom and I had both committed in our hearts to weather whatever storms came at us together with God, I was walking along the beach feeling weary.

I looked out at the Ocean, and picked up shells, most were broken and weren’t worth keeping. In fact, every single shell I came across while I walked was just pieces of what it once was.

Father, I hurt and I am tired. Father, I need to see you. I need to feel that you see me. Why so many broken shells, Father just give me one beautiful shell. Just one, then I will know you see me and you love me.

Yep, I was having a moment.

A moment when the blood of Christ just wasn’t tangible enough for me, and my faith was wavering.

This is not a proud moment.

This is a tender moment. A humble moment.

A moment where I know I am nothing. Standing in the vastness of the ocean with the waves licking my toes. Thinking Who am I that He would even care?

The waves stopped for just a moment and I looked down. There at my feet was a perfect shell. Not a piece of a shell, but a perfectly whole shell. And next to it…

Was another.

Thank you, they are beautiful.

In the deafening sound of the waves and into my heart I heard Him say:

“All I make is beautiful, and I will surpass all you ever dreamed.”

It was about that time that Tom caught up to me on the beach.

"What are you doing, Jenny?" He asked as he grabbed my waist to spin me around and wrap me up into a bear hug.

I showed him my shells. I was giddy over what I’d just found. He’d been busy catching fish for the kids to play with on the beach. He walked with me for a bit and was in awe of how we found 5 more perfect shells, each smaller than the next. Once we had seven, I told him that we were done.


Seven Seashells sent to the shore... by my sweet Savior

It was complete. Our family. His love. It was all complete.

Tears sprang to my eyes.

I felt silly.

How could I question His love for me? How could I put Him to the test like that?

I have professed a strong belief in Christ for years, but my faith was WEAK that day. He showed up in a tangible way when I needed Him the most. And I am so thankful.

Since those 7 seashells, life is continued to go on. Some days are better than others. Each day I look at the day before and am in awe of the mighty way I see God working in my marriage. It was only 3 short weeks ago my husband left our home and told me that we would be getting a divorce. The shells, God gave those to me only two weeks ago. Last week, I met my husband on the beach and remarried him under a new covenant.

If I am brutally honest with you, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to fall. I’ve been waiting for the old us to return, but it just hasn’t.

Trust me, it’s been hard.
We’ve had moments.
Moments of weak faith.
Moments of frustration.
Moments of exhaustion.
But more than that we’ve had moments of pure joy.
Moments of praise.
Moments of tenderness.
Moments that I honestly don’t even have the words to describe.

I finally feel known. I finally feel seen. I can’t believe how good marriage can actually be. I thought people made it up, I thought they were just faking so that others would admire them. And I don’t know about those relationships, but I know this one, and it is better with Christ in the middle of it. He has bound this family together in the most beautiful way imaginable.
It might seem silly to pray for a seashell, but it was so much more. God DELIGHTS in blessing His children. He delights in communicating with us. If you are feeling weak in your faith, talk to Him. He WILL answer you. You are so loved.

Say Nothing or Say Something

Watch This Before You Read Blog

This week I learned a valuable lesson.

When to say nothing.

Ultimately a person will get to choose if they are going to follow Jesus or not. He can choose to reveal Himself in the most miraculous ways and they can STILL think that they got it going on without Him.

I have friends in my life that I’ve had for years. I mean since I was a teenager. Our paths have clearly diverged and I love them dearly still. Yet, from them I feel a sense of distain.

My faith bothers them.

They find me to be hypocrite. (True story, I say leggings aren’t pants, yet I rock them as pants often.)

They find me to be judgmental. (Again, true story…I really dislike Kim K’s need to do a nude photo shoot. I totally judge that decision. I try hard to remember that I am not her judge, but man I sure wouldn’t do that, and I will tell you all about how I wouldn’t.)

They find me to be not very much like Jesus. (Are we sensing a pattern? Do I really need to give you an example of how I am not like Jesus?)

Their truth is relative, mine is Jesus, rock solid.

We could not be more different.

And in this week I’ve learned that sometimes it’s best for me just to say nothing to them.

No more: “I am praying for you.”

Because I think they hear that as “I think you are a hot mess who needs Jesus so let me just talk to Him and all my Bible Study girls about you.” (Even though that’s NOT true.)

I care about them.

I WANT to see them in Heaven.

But I can’t do it for anyone.

There is nothing left for me to say.

So I will say nothing.

I once had a friend do this for me. And it was by far one of the biggest gifts she ever gave me. As angry as I was at her for withdrawing herself from my life, it opened me up to actually hear God instead of what she had to say about God. I had to find out for myself, and that’s when I started to have a real desire to get to know Him.

I will let God say something.

This is a big, long, gushy, LOVE blog, *Beware*

The morning of the new covenant, Tom never woke up because he’d still yet to go to sleep the night before.
He came to kneel at my side of the bed as my alarm chirped, and pulled back my covers.
“Jenny, I need to remarry you. I don’t need a party or a celebration, but a new covenant between us. I just feel a sense of urgency that it be today.”
I didn’t say anything at first, but then I agreed. So right there he prayed for God to bind us into a new covenant, and one that would be for eternity.
There was no pomp and stance, nothing special. I was in my pj’s, Tom was in his boxers, and the prayer was whispered into my hair in our bed.
Minutes after we were on to other things like waking up the Fab 5 and making breakfast to get kids to school. I was quiet for the rest of the morning as I was getting ready. My mind was set on turbo speed. God had something planned for us that day that I was not aware of, but was happening.
For YEARS I’ve told Tom that I wanted a redo on our vows. 10 years ago I promised to be faithful and true to Tom in a church, under God and I didn’t even know who He/he was. 10 years later, countless mistakes, countless children and one AMAZING God later, he finally wanted to remarry me.
He saw that I was quiet and thought it was because I was sad that we wouldn’t have a big celebration. But honestly, the people who know us best know that the last 3 years haven’t been much to celebrate, and we have only just recently come out of the woods. Most people wouldn’t WANT to celebrate with us, and would ask if we really thought what we were about to do was a good idea. (FYI, it’s ALWAYS a good idea to celebrate your love for your spouse, no matter what happened the day, week, month or year before.) This was about God’s timing and Tom’s urgent need to do this, it wasn’t what I’d planned or even thought would happen.
“Jenny, I don’t want to rob you from a celebration.”
I assured him that this was much better than anything I could have dreamed, and kissed him good bye as he went to work.
I got the other children off to school and Boaz and I started on our morning run. Everything was normal, except for the part that I couldn’t get Scripture out of my head.
The old is gone, the new has come.
New covenant.
A cord of three strands is not easily broken.
These words kept coming to me, and images of my family on the beach. The girls in yellow dresses and the boys in blue swept over me.
I can say that I’ve only ever had a vision from the Lord once before, and it wasn’t long ago.
We’ve been looking for a home for our family to settle into. For years I’ve told Tom I want a yellow house with a porch. He’s talked of how he wants a palm tree in the front and a large backyard on the water for our family. It was all talk because nothing of these specifications was on the market in an affordable price range for us. Waterfront property in Florida is only second to waterfront property in Hawaii. But then we found it. Still out of our price range we decided to just go look at it anyway.
As I walked through the house, I was like yeah this is nice but we can’t afford it. Then in my head I was calling for Hannah to come down for dinner. It was the most natural thing in the world for us to be there, and in my mind’s eye I saw my family there. Growing, loving and starting again. I can’t explain it, and I fear if I try to more you might think I am crazy. But I just knew that was to be our house.
After telling Tom that was it, and feeling as though we were crazy to even try we put in our very best offer. We couldn’t budge on this price. At significantly below what the asking price was, I felt like it was too much.
But God told me to trust Him.
I spent a day agonizing over the house and making it about us and not about God. Just like I’d always done before when I’d thought about remarrying Tom.
She came back with an offer we just couldn’t do. So we had to let it go. In our hearts and minds. That was a process, but it happened…and today of all days it didn’t matter if I stayed in an apartment forever because my man WANTED to remarry me.
I finished my run, hit the shower, and texted Tom to write some vows and have them done by 5pm.
Went to the mall.
This was for my man, this was about Christ being in the center of our relationship. If it was about me, I’d be wearing a new dress and of course need a new ring, but being about them I wanted it to be different.
In my vision the girls had been wearing yellow dresses. My first thought was sundresses…so I walked around to EVERY single store to find sundresses, not a thing. My dress that I’d ordered the week before to save for this very occasion was set to arrive that day, so I knew I was covered, but what would the girls wear. I wanted this to be something special. Then I passed a store with formal wear. Yeah…I can’t afford formal wear for this, that’s too much I said to myself.
But I saw a sign that said 50 % off. I just looked at the tag and was like…no…I mean, seriously even what are the chances they’d have…wait…you’ve got to be kidding me. There hanging on the back of the rack were 3 yellow dresses in just the sizes that I needed. And the price was just right. Next to them there two blue button down shirts in the sizes I needed. The ONLY ones y’all. It wasn’t like there were a TON of yellow dresses and blue shirts. There were 5, in the sizes I needed.
By this point I am starting to get excited and a little freaked out.
I’d called a friend to come take pictures, but she wasn’t available. I’d settled that it didn’t matter if we had pictures we had memories and that was what mattered.
I crossed the street to a craft store to find some string, something that I could braid into bracelets. (A cord of three is not easily broken.)
I got it and got in the car. Picked up Ella from preschool and told the Lord I was TIRED. He needed to make this happen because I was quickly losing steam.
The braiding of the string took me 20 minutes. I expected it to take a few hours. Because I braided the longest braid I could because from it we would cut 7 bracelets, each of us would wear one.
I wrapped the braid around some roses that Tom had given me the day before and sat down to write my vows. Thankfully God gave me the gift of words. They came easy but I cried much.
My dress never showed but my school age children did.
“Mom what’s with all the fancy dresses?”
I am marrying Dad again today.
The look on my oldest daughters’ faces was priceless. They’d bore the brunt of what had gone on in our home the last three years. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is sit there with my two oldest girls and my husband as he explained to them that when moms and dads get married they make a promise to each other. If one of them breaks the promise they can’t stay together. Through tears my Hannah said “But you promised that our mom and dad would never split up.” There were no words after that. Only tears.
Today there were tears again, but tears of joy. Only God could redeem something that everyone in the world would deem unforgiveable.
Squeals and giddiness filled our home. The boys were confused and cared more about their snacks, the girls wanted their hair done and lip gloss.
At the VERY last minute I got on to Facebook and messaged all the people I knew at our church here in Florida to see if anyone might be able to meet us at the beach to snap some pictures with my camera. I couldn’t believe the responses I got. I had to turn people down!
We jumped in the car. Called Tom to meet us at the beach and told him to bring his vows.
The phone rang. It was our Realtor.
“Jenn, she is going to take the deal. She loves you guys and is driving down from South Carolina tomorrow to make this happen. She knows it’s not normal for the buy and seller to meet each other, but she’d like to meet you.”
Flabbergasted. I thanked her, let her know that other more important things were happening at that very moment but that we were still very excited about the home and would call her later.
I settled the kids on the beach…and by settled meaning, I GOT them to the sand without tears and was successful at keeping them out of the water while we waited for Tom.
As he came over the sand dune I could see that he was nervous.
“Wow” he said to the kids, “You guys look sharp.”

Our only spectators were our children and the photographer as we exchanged our vows and some randomly placed bikini clad sun lover…but you know even God has a sense of humor.
There we spoke of our love for God and each other. We promised each other and our children that we were committed to making this work. That the old was gone and the new had come. We put on our bracelets, kissed, and played in the sand.
By far my favorite part of the evening was a conversation with Hannah. She wanted to know if other families did what we just did. Not usually I told her. Most families don’t go through the things we’ve been through. She beamed and looked at her bracelet. “I love this day.” She said.
See Hannah, your mom and dad will never split up. What God has bound together, no man can take apart. See Hannah, God is true to His promises.

Gotcha Grimm

Three years ago our son walked into our home to stay, for the second time. He didn’t remember me. At the age of 4.5 years old, he’d had more “Mom” characters in his life than anyone ever should. I was nothing.
This child that I’d wept over, grieved the loss of for nearly 2 straight years, nearly lost my mind and my life trying to keep myself together after he’d been so tragically taken away from us, did not remember me.
“This is my house.” He said in his grabbled language. Speech was not something that came easy for him. He’d made such strides when he’d been with us 2 years earlier, but thrust back into a life of instability had left him without the resources he needed to succeed in that area. “That’s my girl.” He declared as he looked at Hannah. His wonder twin. 22 days apart in age. Hannah was his voice when he lived with us at the age of 2. He could not speak a word other than “car” when he came to live with us, so Hannah would tell me what it is Noah needed. She was his girl, and still is 3 years later.

After 3 years of having him, I still don’t. That child I lost at the age of 2 is gone. The one I got back at the age of 4.5 was more wounded and far more guarded, or maybe it’s me that’s more guarded. All I know is that 3 years later I am still learning to love him well.
I mean I LOVE him. Lord be with you if you get between me and my boy. Ask any one of his previous teachers who implied that he needs more correction from me and his father. He’s mine.
Foster care hurts.
I have him back now, but I am not the only Mama anymore. I was when we’d had him before. He screams at me that he is going to run away and pick a new family when he’s angry at us for…for what…loving him enough to discipline him.
God spoke promises over our marriage and life early on in our walk with Him.
You will have 5 children, but be the mother of many.
You will end well.
This was spoken to us before Ella, before Boaz, before Noah left. We had 3 children and planned to have no more. Yet, here we are years later and I have 5 children (after multiple vasectomies-yep, had to add that Big T) and I’ve mothered many.
Here I am with my man, determined to finish this life together well.
Yet, the number one thing I wrestle with is: should we have adopted Noah.
Hold the judgment. Or don’t. Whatever. That’s your bag to carry.
My love for Noah is not the same as the love I have for the children that came out of my womb. It’s different. Everything about my relationship with him is different. His smell is different. His skin feels different. He has history that doesn’t involve me. I’ve struggled to attach to him this second time around, but I love him. It’s a different kind of love, but I love him. It’s a love that was hard fought to have. It’s a love that was chosen, not given through birth. It’s a love that is chosen every single day, because some days he acts SO unlovable. In all his differences, though sometimes stinky and mindboggling my love for him remains. The issues isn’t my love for him, it’s my ability to parent him.
And this is when I remember that God is so much bigger than me. He sees my weakness and tells me to boast about it because through it, He will be glorified.
I am quite possibly the worst equipped mom for Noah. I frustrate easily at his unique challenges. I swear my neighbors probably think I have it out for him with the amount of times they hear his name in a correction tone.
The only redeeming quality I have to be his mother is that I love him. I loved him and wanted him when no one else did. I loved him and prayed for him when it was beyond a possibility for him to return to us. I still believed in my heart of hearts that God would be faithful to His promise to me, and would return my son.
Every time I look at Noah I see God. I see how God adopted me stink and all into His family. I see how God waited out my struggles to believe that He was my true family, and that I could try and run away all I wanted to, but He was going to find me and bring me back. I see how God is true to what He says. Noah is a fulfilled promise in my life, and because of that, I know that the other promises God has spoken to my family will happen.
Mostly I look at Noah and see how God chose me, and continues to choose me when others don’t. God says “I gotcha.” When I feel like I am all alone and no one has me. I am so thankful that I get to be a glimpse of that to my son.
I gotcha Noah. I didn’t give birth to you, and your stink is like something I can’t even describe. But baby when the world gets you down, and you feel alone and unloved, it’s just not true. I gotcha, but more than that baby, I hope you see that God gotcha. From the day you were born, He held you and wanted you and knew that you belonged somewhere. I know at 7 years old our trials are just beginning. Things are going to get tougher, but you are a part of this family now. And we are fighters. We don’t give up easy and no one gets to quit. We will never quit on you boy. Never. You are ours. We gotcha.

Finishing Well Together

I’ve been blogging for the better part of a decade. And I’ve had more blogs than I can count. I own a domain name, and I’ve had blog fame. But nothing has ever excited me more in my blogging “career” as much as this little blog has. This is a clean slate, a fresh start and the answer to a prayer I’ve had for years. True transparency. True love. True commitment. That’s what this is.
Big T and I have been married for 10 years but only in the last two weeks have we REALLY known each other. Oh how I wish I could put into words the transformation that has happened in our relationship in the last two weeks, but I just can’t. I can’t hardly articulate the elation, joy and pure awe I feel at the redeeming and transforming power of a marriage that puts Christ in the center.
If I think too hard on the fact that we spent 10 years not knowing each other, I get sad. I start to think of the what-if’s and I let the enemy start to play mind games with me on how I should have, could have and would have if I’d known then what I know now. That just robs me of the joy I have in this moment.
Because in this moment I know my husband deeper than I’ve ever known him, and he knows me in a more intimate way than I’ve ever thought possible. He’s seen my ugly and chosen to love me (not it-we hate the ugly) anyway. I am so thankful. And I know that only with Christ is what we’ve been through possible to come out on the other end THANKFUL.
Recently I reread Romans 8:28, I used to read that as all things are good. But that’s not what it says. All things are not good. In fact, some things down right suck hard. But God will work all things FOR my good and His glory. So even the suckiest of situations can be worked out by God for my good, and that just makes me want to dance. Big T and I have stopped looking at the sucky situations as big things, and put them in an eternal perspective. In light of eternity, the last 10 years is a blip. We have the rest of our lives to enjoy knowing each other and for eternity after we will be with Jesus together. That delights me. I am so thankful. (I think I’ve said that a few times. Because I can’t come up with anything other than praise for what’s gone on in my home.)
I really have no idea what this blog will be or become. I have my ideas but I know that God delights in taking my little requests and blowing them out of the water.
Has your marriage been beaten down beyond repair? Did you think that there was no hope of ever being in love with your spouse again? Had you resigned yourself of living together because it was “good for the kids?” You are in good company. That was us. WAS. Not anymore friends. Not anymore. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage, and he will try EVERYTHING to do it. Being eternally minded has shaped our hearts and minds in a big way. We no longer see this marriage as something for us to be happy, but more of something to show the power of Christ. If we are eternally minded we see that the battle is never against each other, it is us against the enemy. I’ll tell you a little secret. Tom and Jenn Grimm are weak, but our God is strong, and as a team we win. We are going to run this race of life, finishing well together.