I See You.

Over the last few months the colors have gotten brighter, faces clearer, and my heart fuller. I can only contribute this to the complete change in the relationship with my man that God gave us. It is like my eyes have been opened to the things that I couldn’t see before, and I only couldn’t see them because I was so blinded by my own self that I got in the way.

Something that I have found super interesting as of late is the ability to see my own self in someone else. It’s almost scary.
A few weeks ago I was contacted by a woman who was still caught up in her sin. Her sin was the same as mine had been. While her words were all right, something in me told me that everything she was saying wasn’t what she was really about. I recognized some of the exact behaviors as ones that I had employed when I was caught in my sin.

I walked away from that meeting and was a little distressed. I let Tom know that while I wasn’t certain that something wasn’t right with this situation, and while she wanted my help and guidance, I felt a strong pull from God to walk away. He encouraged me to listen to the Lord and do just that.

It later came out, like it always does, that she was in fact speaking of wanting to be out of her sin, but was still very much wrapped up in it, and was not willing to make the radical changes that needed to be made to get out of it. I could love her, and distance myself from her at the same time. For accountability to work, you have to also have trust and transparency. I know the beauty that comes with having Sisters in Christ love you, pray for you, and walk with you through life, but if you aren’t showing them your true self, none of it is authentic.

My two girls, the ones that God gave to me when I needed some love, laughs and a good swift kick in the butt, only stuck around because of my honesty. It was an UGLY honesty.

About a year ago, one of them asked me a question about my sin, and I lied to her. The enemy divided us so quickly it made my head spin. She had no idea that I lied, but our friendship was different. I couldn’t talk to her like I had. I started to spiral down into the deepest depression I’d ever been in. She finally called me and said to me that she knew that something was up and she wanted to know what, because she wasn’t going to just walk away from this friendship. I confessed.

There was some hurt. She was angry. She didn’t have anything to say to me right then, and I thought I’d lost that relationship.
Her words to me where so moving.

“Jenn, I am sad for you. That was a bad choice. But it doesn’t affect me like it does you. I will always love you, and I want to pray for you. You HAVE to tell me when you stumble if you want accountability to work.”

While I’d kept it from one friend, I had also kept it from the other. At this time they didn’t know each other, my spiral of depression was so deep that they were about to contact each other in an effort to get me some help.

Without even knowing that’d I’d been withholding information from her, the other one told me about a person she’d met and how things just didn’t feel right. She questioned if the woman she’d met was telling her the truth.

She said “I can deal with anything if you are honest with me, I will run from liars.” Not wanting to lose this friendship, I confessed what had been weighting on my heart. As she always does, she turned it into a joke, made me laugh when I wanted to cry and told me of how she loved me, and already knew what I was going to confess and wondered when I would tell her the truth.

Accountability works, when you WANT it. It will not work, when you are not willing to be transparent and honest with those people that you’ve asked to be in your life.

My sin didn’t make them angry, it didn’t hurt them, it just made them sad, and pray for me all the more.

I had to walk away from the woman who was still tangled in her sin with no desire to actually stop. It was too close to my own. It is too hard to watch someone walk down the same road you’ve been down, and you are standing in the road with the GO BACK signs, NOTHING GOOD FOR YOU IS HERE signs. And to have them plow threw. I can tell you what is at the end of that road. Messed up children. RUN from your sin.

Since my eyes have been opened I’ve met countless women that I see the old me in. Of these woman, I see that most of them are so desperately alone. They don’t have anyone that they reveal their true selves too. I can only assume because of what I have gone through, that they fear being known and rejected. This is where the community of Christ comes in. We were made to be in community, not to be alone. Just going to church on Sunday does not put you in community, it means that you are in attendance. It’s hard to have community with people who are not looking into the beautiful color of your eyes. Nothing replaces face to face time.

To the women who think that their body is the end all be all of their exsistance:

I want to show you that your beauty lies within your heart and soul and whisper to you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made you don’t have to work so hard, there is a more abundant life for you out there than this.

To the woman in a marriage that feels invisable and like she is no different than a nanny and assistant in her own home:

Hold on, you are not invisable, you are so seen and loved and while you feel unappreciated what you do is KINGDOM work right there in your home.

To the woman who is desperate to know she is wanted:

Oh sweet thing, how easily we confuse wanted and desired…but wanted in a real way, wanted to be known and kept and treasured…you are a prize, you are worth more than you could ever imagine. The world lie to you; being the object of someone’s lustful desires is a cheap, worthless substitute for being the person someone wants to know intimately, see their heart and love unconditionally. Child, do not sell yourself short.

To the woman who feels alone in her struggle:

You are not alone. The more I live the more I realize that we are ALL hurting units walking around in beautiful bodies, and painted faces. In fact the more perfect you look, the bigger mess you tend to be. I’ve been there girl, and some days it’s all I can do to not JUMP back into that pit. Can I encourage you to seek accountability and commit to honesty with at least one person?

Who should your person be? If your husband is seeking the Lord in an honest way (and you will know if he is on not) as hard as it may be, HE IS YOUR PERSON. There is no one else on the planet who will pray for you, and is more affected by your struggles, temptations and sins than your husband.

Some days you may have to tell him something ugly, and he may be hurt in the beginning, but the release of power that was over you when you held that back from your husband is not of this world. And it will bind you together when you are able to honestly speak to each other and bare your heart to the man God desires for you to give yourself COMPLETELY to.

If your husband is not in that place, and I’ve been there too…be praying that God give you a woman that you can be real with. Don’t seek it out, wait for the Lord. He will provide the perfect people at the time that you need them.
Beloved, I am so you…I see you, I know you, I love you, and I am praying for you as you walk through this journey into the abundant life that God has for you!